Fullmoon #94 – STD, a Bit Frigid
THE GATHERING
It was tiny, it was tight, it was nubile… kind of like 18 year old pussy. Well, okay maybe it wasn’t EXACTLY nubile, but then I digress. The 94th gathering of the Philadelphia Fullmoon Hash was comprised of a splendidly spirited group of hashers, young and old, nearly virgin and well… worn out (yes, I resemble that comment).
When I arrived at the bar I was greeted by STD and Parrot HEAD (‘HEAD?’ Who said ‘HEAD?’ He’ll give some of that… oh, never mind, we’ll get to that later). Moments later Just Arpod moseyed over. He happened to be sloshilizing with some folks he w*rks with. Then Cause for Blindness arrived. This is about the time when I bet Parrot HEAD (‘HEAD?’ Who said ‘HEAD?’ Okay, shut up already. I’m trying to write a trash here. It was funny the first time.) $10 that 10 more hashers would show up in the next 10 minutes (it was approx. 7:20 pm). I lost. He later graciously donated the money to hash cash. Good thing too. We were hurting. More about that later.
While standing around enjoying a pint of suds (that’s BEER for those of you with a limited vocabulary), I noted to myself this is a pretty cool place. Kinda posh for a hash locale though… should we really be in here? Anyway more about that later.
Then we were joined by the likes of Bitchard, Thunder Thighs, Horny Hands and Target. This collective set of folks comprised the pack. When we finally accounted for appropriate hash time we meekly inched outside into the cold… uh, I mean brisk weather.
Next was a short, but sweet chalk talk (yes, I can actually do a version like that). And we were off. Into the freezing …
THE TRAIL
So what was the trail like? Well, the way I remember it… It was really f*cking cold, I mean brisk, and wet. It was great. For a while we were On-Hare. That worked pretty well. But then the hare disappeared. And we were f*cked. Oh yeah, and we spread out. So there were about 3 of us trying to keep together to follow trail. Trail was actually marked pretty well, but that doesn’t mean we were actually capable of following it. We eventually found our way South of Market and all that, right around Society Hill, over to Columbus Blvd. and made our way back up. We even found a car with HHH marks in front of it, and a BN! Yes, a glorious BN! But, the car was locked and the hare was no where to be found. So… we continued North. And… we had just climbed the stairs to Market and were about to head (‘HEAD?’ Who said ‘HEAD?’ Dammit, stop it already!) back to the bar – when we ran into Dancing Fool. Our savior! We were just about to call it all a wrap and go On-Bar, but Dancing Fool informed us that he had BEER in his trunk. So we scampered down the stairs and dashed over a few blocks to the cantastic vehicle for an impromptu BEER check. Praise the lord! My throat was so dry it was so dry it felt like sandpaper (don’t worry it was only 150 grit, so it wasn’t that bad). We quickly downed our frothy libations and hurried our chapped-from-the-cold asses back to the bar.
THE CONFUSION
Upon returning to the bar we were once again greeted by Parrot Head and informed that our hare was at the BEER check and wondered where the hell we were at. Okay, fair question… but, you don’t think we were actually going to back out into that cold, I mean brisk weather again, do ya? Two Clump Chump had actually found his way to the bar by this time too. In sifting through some of the confusion, my final conclusion was that we, for the most part, ended up doing a No-No (that’s On-On backwards for you newbies).
So Two Clump graciously volunteered to act as hash cash, collecting $5 from we grabbed some BEER to ensure that we were still well-lubed… However, with the cheapest pint being $5 we knew it wouldn’t go far without further subsidization. So there was subsidization… from somewhere.
Parrot HEAD (‘HEAD?’ Who said ‘HEAD?’ Stop it. I mean it this time. …sound like Rash, don’t I?) buys food for the group with his winnings. Just Arpod get some grub for the group too and we burn through the hash cash before we can start the circle. So we start burning up cash from the treasury. Oh wait, we don’t have a treasury. Never mind. We continue to burn funds until approximately the end of the basketball game on the tube. Then we tiptoe upstairs to find a suitable place to circle in our posh surroundings; just as Just Arpod takes off to tend to a prior commitment.
We eventually find good spot for the circle and a bunch of the folks I texted before the run show up. So Nice Nuggets, Fat Ass graciously volunteers to work with Two Clump to address the hash cash deficit. To the best of the knowledge, this time the deficit was managed by printing more money, not by raising taxes. This said, the effect on inflation was negligible.
THE CIRCLE
The circle was pretty much what it should be for a Fullmoon, just a bit more tiny and tight than usual, but it felt really good. Let’s get down to business… here’s who drank.
Joined after… Nice Nuggets, Fat Ass; Cunting Season, Rear End Loader, Two Clump Chump
Hare: STD (Serious Tits Displayed)
Virgins: None
Visitors: Rear End Loader
First-in/Last-in: Parrot Head
Comes Lately: Parrot Head
Autohashers: Nice Nuggest, Fat Ass, C*nting Season, Rear End Loader, Two Clump Chump
Accusations: Yours truly, Scooby Snatch for something. I can’t remember what, but I recall being fluids entering my body and minding the stepchildren (a must).
Parrot Head for deep throating the sacred vessels, actually as Two Clump pointed out, the accusation was really for knowing that he could deep throat the vessels. This freaked out STD, the weather wasn’t the only thing that making her frigid. Note – this down-down was after I did my down-down.
STD for not being at her own BEER check.
Announcements: There were some, but damnedifiknowwhattheywere.
THE POST-CIRCLE
A few folks continued to trickle in… Rear Engineer, Just Christina, Tickle My Elmo, Meat, Stack, and Just Anne.
THE SUMMARY
Well those that didn’t make it really missed out. That’s the truth as far as I am concerned, and I am sticking to it.
For those of you that we’re able to make it because your pussy hurt, or whatever lame excuse you happened to use at the time, F.Y.Y.F.F.
ON-ON!
~Rev. Scooby Snatch
(yes, actually, I am ordained)
