A small pack gathered at the Shamrock Pub on this wet, and unseasonably warm Mummer’s Eve meeting of the Philly Full Moon Hash. Scooby Snatch,  Two-Clump Chump, Jubal, Horny Hands, Just Lynn, Just Kyle, Meat Tenderized, Festering Beanie Baby, and Lil’ Red Riding Wood loitered around the bar until it became obvious that no other hashers were going to show up for the actual trail. 

The bar was already set pretty low for our hares.  Plastic Pud, who had set trail rather unsuccessfully the night before with the BFM, was not expected to improve his trail laying skills in a mere 24 hour period, not even with the aid of his lovely co-hare, Tastes Like Chicken. 

Following a needlessly complicated chalk talk involving the differences between trail marked with just blue chalk, and trail marked with yellow and blue chalk, the pack headed north.   After running practically in a straight line for a few miles, we came upon a series of war memorial plazas and lost trail.   Several hashers mistook the same paper plate as a mark of trail, and meandered around for awhile, until Festering Beanie Baby stumbled upon a False, which ironically lead the pack back to the true trail.   Some of the more clever hashers never got too far ahead of the hares, and were able to make their way to a much appreciated Beer Check at Drinkers Tavern.  A few FRBs lost their way at the Irish memorial (one block away from a big BN mark), and ran south again, leaving about half of an already small pack to share four pitchers of lager. 

After leaving Drinkers, most of the hashers walked back toward South Philly, though a few, Horny Hands, Scooby Snatch, and Lil’ Red Riding Wood, made a half-hearted attempt to make it look as though they were thinking about running. 

Back at the Shamrock, the trail runners were greeted by Can You Hear Me Now?, who had come late to trail and understandably could not follow it, and a slew of auto hashers.   It was then that the real drinking began…

Circle:

Visitors: Festering Beanie Baby (BFM) sang “Whip it out at the Ball Game”

  Mrs. Robinson (BFM)- drank and eventually showed her bra

  Just Kyle: showed off his ass

              Rear-end Wrangler (Summit NJ)

              Great Sex (Summit NJ)

1^st in: Just Kyle

Last in: Meat Tenderized

Hares: Tastes Like Chicken, Plastic Pud for their shitty trail- not enough lubrication, too much Pud

Violation: Tastes Like Chicken for wearing headgear; Plastic Pud (for when one hare drinks…)

Auto Hashers: Skin Fiddle, E=MyCock², Strap-On, Holy F*ck, Europeein’ On Me, Fruit of the Clue, Mrs. Robinson, Jingle Balls, Snip-N-Tuck, Target

Cums Lately: Snip-N-Tuck, Horny Hands

Violation: Scooby for forgetting official penis glasses

Accusations:

Great Sex for beer avoidance

Just Kyle for work apparel: “Member of the mile high club” t-shirt

Announcements:

Cousin It will be having a Phillies tailgate some time in August

There will be a 2 Street 5k Run in the last week of September 2007 ($20 to run, ask the proprietors of the Shamrock Pub for more details)

Accusation: Pud for announcing athletic stuff in the circle, and for announcing an athletic event ten months before it’s supposed to take place; Chicken (for when one hare drinks…)

Violation: Chicken for wearing headgear in the circle (again) + Pud (for when one hare drinks…)

Circle closed, but not before Scooby and Chicken had a beer fight, which mercifully did not prompt the bartenders to ask us to leave.

Post Circle Event:

After the circle, there was much drinking and dancing, and I’d like to make special note of the dance-off between a hasher and one of the Shamrock’s bartenders, who had come to the pub on her night off.  She, donning a pink eagles shirt danced rather close (if somewhat wobbly) with our very own Scooby-Snatch, while her boyfriend in the green eagles shirt cheered, and his friend in the white eagles shirt glared distrustfully at Scooby. 

Guy in green eagles shirt, “Get in there, woman.  Beat him.”

Heard at Hash:

Meat Tenderized: That is scrotally depressing.

Festering Beanie Baby: You handled that cock well.

FBB: We have other things we can use.

Scooby: No, I’ll stick with the cocks.

On, On,

lrrw

THE GATHERING

It was tiny, it was tight, it was nubile… kind of like 18 year old pussy. Well, okay maybe it wasn’t EXACTLY nubile, but then I digress. The 94^th gathering of the Philadelphia Fullmoon Hash was comprised of a splendidly spirited group of hashers, young and old, nearly virgin and well… worn out (yes, I resemble that comment).

When I arrived at the bar I was greeted by STD and Parrot HEAD (‘HEAD?’ Who said ‘HEAD?’ He’ll give some of that… oh, never mind, we’ll get to that later). Moments later Just Arpod moseyed over. He happened to be sloshilizing with some folks he w*rks with. Then Cause for Blindness arrived. This is about the time when I bet Parrot HEAD (‘HEAD?’ Who said ‘HEAD?’ Okay, shut up already. I’m trying to write a trash here. It was funny the first time.) $10 that 10 more hashers would show up in the next 10 minutes (it was approx. 7:20 pm). I lost. He later graciously donated the money to hash cash. Good thing too. We were hurting. More about that later.

While standing around enjoying a pint of suds (that’s BEER for those of you with a limited vocabulary), I noted to myself this is a pretty cool place. Kinda posh for a hash locale though… should we really be in here? Anyway more about that later.

Then we were joined by the likes of Bitchard, Thunder Thighs, Horny Hands and Target. This collective set of folks comprised the pack. When we finally accounted for appropriate hash time we meekly inched outside into the cold… uh, I mean brisk weather.

Next was a short, but sweet chalk talk (yes, I can actually do a version like that). And we were off. Into the freezing …

THE TRAIL

So what was the trail like? Well, the way I remember it… It was really f*cking cold, I mean brisk, and wet. It was great. For a while we were On-Hare. That worked pretty well. But then the hare disappeared. And we were f*cked. Oh yeah, and we spread out. So there were about 3 of us trying to keep together to follow trail. Trail was actually marked pretty well, but that doesn’t mean we were actually capable of following it. We eventually found our way South of Market and all that, right around Society Hill, over to Columbus Blvd. and made our way back up. We even found a car with HHH marks in front of it, and a BN! Yes, a glorious BN! But, the car was locked and the hare was no where to be found.  So… we continued North. And… we had just climbed the stairs to Market and were about to head (‘HEAD?’ Who said ‘HEAD?’ Dammit, stop it already!) back to the bar – when we ran into Dancing Fool. Our savior! We were just about to call it all a wrap and go On-Bar, but Dancing Fool informed us that he had BEER in his trunk. So we scampered down the stairs and dashed over a few blocks to the cantastic vehicle for an impromptu BEER check. Praise the lord! My throat was so dry it was so dry it felt like sandpaper (don’t worry it was only 150 grit, so it wasn’t that bad). We quickly downed our frothy libations and hurried our chapped-from-the-cold asses back to the bar.

THE CONFUSION

Upon returning to the bar we were once again greeted by Parrot Head and informed that our hare was at the BEER check and wondered where the hell we were at. Okay, fair question… but, you don’t think we were actually going to back out into that cold, I mean brisk weather again, do ya? Two Clump Chump had actually found his way to the bar by this time too. In sifting through some of the confusion, my final conclusion was that we, for the most part, ended up doing a No-No (that’s On-On backwards for you newbies).

So Two Clump graciously volunteered to act as hash cash, collecting $5 from we grabbed some BEER to ensure that we were still well-lubed… However, with the cheapest pint being $5 we knew it wouldn’t go far without further subsidization. So there was subsidization… from somewhere.

Parrot HEAD (‘HEAD?’ Who said ‘HEAD?’ Stop it. I mean it this time. …sound like Rash, don’t I?) buys food for the group with his winnings. Just Arpod get some grub for the group too and we burn through the hash cash before we can start the circle. So we start burning up cash from the treasury. Oh wait, we don’t have a treasury. Never mind. We continue to burn funds until approximately the end of the basketball game on the tube. Then we tiptoe upstairs to find a suitable place to circle in our posh surroundings; just as Just Arpod takes off to tend to a prior commitment.

We eventually find good spot for the circle and a bunch of the folks I texted before the run show up. So Nice Nuggets, Fat Ass graciously volunteers to work with Two Clump to address the hash cash deficit. To the best of the knowledge, this time the deficit was managed by printing more money, not by raising taxes. This said, the effect on inflation was negligible.

THE CIRCLE

The circle was pretty much what it should be for a Fullmoon, just a bit more tiny and tight than usual, but it felt really good. Let’s get down to business… here’s who drank.

Joined after… Nice Nuggets, Fat Ass; Cunting Season, Rear End Loader, Two Clump Chump

Hare: STD (Serious Tits Displayed)

Virgins: None

Visitors: Rear End Loader

First-in/Last-in: Parrot Head

Comes Lately: Parrot Head

Autohashers: Nice Nuggest, Fat Ass, C*nting Season, Rear End Loader, Two Clump Chump

Accusations: Yours truly, Scooby Snatch for something. I can’t remember what, but I recall being fluids entering my body and minding the stepchildren (a must).

Parrot Head for deep throating the sacred vessels, actually as Two Clump pointed out, the accusation was really for knowing that he could deep throat the vessels. This freaked out STD, the weather wasn’t the only thing that making her frigid. Note – this down-down was after I did my down-down.

STD for not being at her own BEER check.

Announcements: There were some, but damnedifiknowwhattheywere.

THE POST-CIRCLE

A few folks continued to trickle in… Rear Engineer, Just Christina, Tickle My Elmo, Meat, Stack, and Just Anne.

THE SUMMARY

Well those that didn’t make it really missed out. That’s the truth as far as I am concerned, and I am sticking to it.

For those of you that we’re able to make it because your pussy hurt, or whatever lame excuse you happened to use at the time, F.Y.Y.F.F.

ON-ON!

~Rev. Scooby Snatch

(yes, actually, I am ordained)